Can A Relationship Recover After An Affair?

This question cannot be answered with a simple yes or no answer; there are just too many factors to take into consideration.

There are marriage counsellors and other professionals working with relationships, who have strong opinions about answering this question, either stating a clear “walk away” or “it can recover and become even better”. The latter option, however, is ALWAYS conditional. Recovery from infidelity is possible, BUT, both partners must want to stay together, and be willing to work hard to stay together.

So, how do we know what to do? To determine the decision of whether the marriage should be dissolved or worked on, let’s first establish when working on the marriage will NOT be an option. The facts (factors) influencing such a decision must always be sensitively considered with both partners and be AGREED upon with the couple. After such a decision is agreed upon, going forward separately or together may have to be discussed.

What are the factors for us to consider not to continue with the relationship or marriage. Practice shows that at the time when infidelity is uncovered, one or both partners are emotional, and the ‘uninvolved partner’ may more likely be reluctant to continue with the relationship or marriage. Factors which may complicate such a decision include the impact it may have on the children, finances, accommodation, etc.

There are circumstances in which the decision to terminate the relationship becomes more prominent, namely the uninvolved partner not willing to end the affair, the ‘perpetrator’ not willing to acknowledge the pain inflicted by his/her behaviour, and/or using infidelity to hurt the other partner.

·       NOT ENDING THE AFFAIR

For a marriage or relationship to heal from infidelity, the affair must end. The partners must commit to each other, working on their relationship/marriage.  The perpetrator must make a choice and choose explicitly. The way in which the choice is made may be clouded by ambivalence on his/her side, complicating the recovery process. You cannot continue the affair with someone outside the marriage while you at the same time try to heal the marriage from infidelity. The uninvolved partner will be left in impossible position of “wait and see” who the perpetrator will choose. This is not only traumatic but shows a cruel indifference, and lack of empathy which makes the notion of caring for the partner impossible.

It is not always possible to completely cut off all contact with the ‘third party’.  They may work with the person, or the person may be a part of their social circle or be a member of their church.  In these cases, the couple will have to decide about the level of contact, if any, where in most cases the uninvolved partner has the strongest say.

·       DISREGARDING THE UNINVOLVED PARTNER’S PAIN.

There are situations where the perpetrator may be becomes dismissive towards his/her partner. The perpetrator may be inclined to behave this way because he or she does not want to accept responsibility for their behaviour, or it is painful to see the partner’s agony.  By minimizing their partner’s pain, they attempt to make them feel like they’re in the wrong for feeling so hurt. Remarks such as: “You’re overreacting”, “Get over it”, “It’s not that big of a deal”, may reflect the perpetrator’s unwillingness to acknowledge the gravity of what he/she has done and the pain it brings along.

·       USING INFIDELITY TO CAUSE PAIN.

Although this fortunately does not happen very often, some persons enter an affair to hurt the uninvolved partner, or “get back” at him or her for feeling disconnected. This, in general, is done deliberately. They decide to sleep with the uninvolved partner’s brother/sister, best friend, boss, etc. – anybody who could cause their partner the most pain and embarrassment. They do not feel sorry for the pain they’ve caused. To stay in such a relationship becomes destructive. It is not about making a mistake but about destroying the relationship. In such circumstances considering leaving may prove to be the better option.

When, however we agree to continue, a constructive response may be: “… let’s try and figure this out” and if we agree to work on the relationship, we must understand that we are now working on a “new” or different relationship, but with the same persons.

The discovery of an affair ALWAYS brings with it more questions than answers. And these questions come out of a place of hurt. These questions are also likely to bring more hurt, whether they are answered or not.

Of all the questions that surface, the WHY question is raised both pertaining to the past and the future. This question needs to be addressed for all parties involved, including the counsellor. Questions the uninvolved partner may struggle with include: Why did he/she cheat on me? Why do we need to try (again) to work on the relationship. Why do I need to recommit and re-invest into something that went wrong? Why will this time be different?

The why questions with which the perpetrator may be confronted, include: “Why did I allow this to happen? Was I looking for someone else or was I trying to find myself? Why would he/she want me back? Why would I go back into the relationship?

Recovery is possible and a partnership can survive infidelity. For couples who consider counselling intervention to recover from the consequences of an affair they should understand that it can be a lengthy process. It is extremely difficult at the onset to determine if a couple will be able to recover at all and a recovery timeline may depend on a couple’s hurts, their reaction at the time the event comes to light as well as their emotional ability to rebuild a trusting relationship, including communication skills (constructive expression of feelings and hearing our partner), conflict management, accepting responsibility, etc.

Once the couple agrees to continue, an assessment is made of the situation, allowing for the expression and acknowledgement of feelings, and a way forward is agreed upon.