All of us are unique. Therefore, every couple is different. And so are our relationships. 

In my first paper on marriages, I mentioned that there is no “magic wand” for successful or “happy” relationships. Building a relationship does not just happen. It may start off with magic, but we know it subsides after some time. And then working at our relationship, making us a good team, begins.

Working at our relationship in my opinion is a balance of give and take, a balance between having our needs met and being selfless. We will at times feel vulnerable and at other times need to be strong. We will at times be wrong, and at times make correct decisions. It is about shifting our focus from “I” to “us”. A two-horse carriage is only as fast as the slowest horse. No, not the fastest one. Combining their strengths provides the best result. But if we cannot combine our strengths, I may become frustrated if I am the fast horse or despondent if I cannot keep up ….

So where does working on a relationship start? There must be a foundation to build our relationship on. For me a relationship is based on acceptance of ourselves and each other as individuals in our own right. I accept my partner as an imperfect person as I am imperfect; we need to accept ourselves and each other, with both our strong points and weaknesses.

We are all a work in progress … There are numerous factors which may shake this foundation. Or sometimes the foundation begins to slowly crumble away, allowing for various cracks to appear. Mental or physical illness, financial problems, substance abuse, behaviour addictions, and or unresolved pain from our past, among other things will put us to the test. Remember the story of the piglets and the wolf?

In a perfect world, building our foundation requires time out for self-reflection, and time for shared activity and communication to ensure connection. This becomes more difficult in the times we live in, which means making time, alone time and together time. Going for a walk in the morning or over a weekend, washing the car together, having coffee together, making the bed together. If the shared activity you decide on doesn’t work, pick something else. When it comes to things you don’t share, do it alone when possible. We may like different music, one partner does not like exercise, etc. Doing the activities, you agreed upon, alone and together helps for connecting with self and each other.

And then there are the building blocks. In addition to the discussions reflected in the previous papers, consider the following:

Be vulnerable when you need to. Listen without correcting, criticizing, having an opinion, etc. This helps develop and strengthen mutual trust.

Be honest. We cannot build a (healthy) relationship on lies. It is important to be truthful in a caring way.

Function as a team. Develop your problem-solving skills together and individually. Accommodate each other’s strengths against the issue, not the partner.

Share concerns, goals, and dreams.

The last words: working on our relationship is in our hands, and yes it does sometimes feel we need a magic wand but remain patient and keep working.