All of us are unique. Therefore, every couple is different. And so are our relationships.
In our previous discussion about marriages and relationships, I highlighted seven elements for relationships to work, based on my insights and experiences, both personally and working with couples. One element I included was “grow up” and hastened to ask if this was rude. This time I want to discuss our marriage or relationship being “grown up”.
Conflict in a relationship is a given. Managing the conflict constructively requires the willingness to do so as well as having patience and the skill to do so. To address conflict constructively requires for us to focus on the issue, not myself or my partner.
To take responsibility for our behaviour is a sign of maturity. Maturity is a process, not a fixed state or condition. Taking responsibility for our actions not only helps to resolve matters but assists in partners not building up resentments and drifting apart.
Showing empathy for my partner is a sign of maturity. It helps us to determine what it would be like if we were in our partners shoes. Do we know or understand how our partner experiences his/her world? In trying to understand this world, we can put into context why he or she behaves a certain way.
When faced with a certain conflicting or confronting situation, we may be inclined to become defensive; make an excuse, justify, minimize, become angry or even walk away to avoid the situation. This is likely when I am oversensitive about a matter, feel I am being blamed or criticized, or when my partner hits the nail on the head. We defend when we feel vulnerable. We do not like to feel vulnerable. Which leads to the question, “Is it okay for me to be vulnerable if it helps me to grow towards maturity?”
So, if taking responsibility, showing empathy and being vulnerable, are signs of maturity in a relationship, what then constitutes “immaturity” in a relationship? For me, the number one culprit is selfishness – being right, being in control, having my needs met at the cost of my partner’s needs. In this case there is no “we”, only “I. In a conflict situation, I defend me by acting out, blaming, intimidating, invalidating you. In doing this we do not deny that there is a problem, in fact we agree that there is a problem, but instead of finding a solution for the problem, we refuse to take responsibility for it, or may insist on doing it “my way”. If the latter goes wrong, we will find a “reason” for this which exonerates us from having made a wrong decision.
Here are some pointers for being grown up in our relationships:
• Stop hiding. We do not constantly have to portray our “good” side and prove our worth. We can allow ourselves to be okay even when we are not okay.
• We are the way we are. Our behaviour is usually functional – it serves a purpose. But, it is not always constructive. When we realize we need to change, let’s focus on the areas that are destructive to ourselves and our relationship.
• In relationships people make mistakes. We make wrong decisions. We do not like to be wrong. Admitting when we are wrong will help both of us to re-focus and strengthen our relationship.
• Have mercy. Be fair. If we don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it. We don’t have to constantly express our opinions about everything.
• Everything is not always personal. It is not only about us. It can become very lonely having to remain on our pedestal.
• Follow the sequence: look (what are the facts of the situation), listen (what are the underlying related feelings), talk (take action to resolve the situation).
• Enjoy more. Everything is not always hard or always wrong.
The last words: Growing up may be hard to do … but it is worth the effort.